★28 Insanity

Found out about this online the other day and I've decided to take the CHALLENGE!!!

I've already lost about 6kg but if I want to lose the last few kilos and really get in shape I need to do something dramatic.

So I started today with the Fitness test. It's 60 days. And I was already dying today....

I'm going to record my stats and goals here to hold myself accountable and check in every 2 weeks.

Here goes!

As of 7/1/2012 I am:

53.6 kg or 118lbs

Bust: 88cm
Waist: 67cm
Hips: 84cm
Arms: 29cm
Thighs:  53cm

My goal weight is 50kg or 110lbs.  I want to trim down my arms and thighs, tone my back, and lose inches around my hips and waist.

Wish me luck!

UPDATE (Jan, 2013):

So I completed Month 1 of Insanity in the summer but had to stop because I injured my foot/ankle at work. I managed to get down to 50kg in August though!! Since then I pretty much stopped working out and it's not until recently that my foot has been pain free enough to where I feel it's safe to try heavy exercise again. So I'm going to try again!!!

These are my stats as of 1/31/2013

50.6 kg or 111lbs

Bust: 87cm
Waist: 65cm
Hips: 83cm
Arms: 26cm
Thighs: 50cm

The goal this time around is to trim and tuck and stay healthy by being consistently active. I'm not looking to get ripped so I may just do the first month again and then move on to pilates and other types of workouts. Just heard of Brazil Butt Lift which I reaaaaaaaaally want to try once I get my hands on it.

Here's to health and beauty!

★27 渋谷へのラブソング

I see you from far away
A speck in the distance
Yet somehow more real than the voice in my ear

I’m fighting for a piece of you
Longing to be seen
Pushing through the shadows
Even as I know it’s just a dream


You - the star in the sky
(届かない届かない)
You - the blinding flash of light
(見えない見えない)

Your melodies sweep me up and away
Unwrapped, unraveled
In your voice I lay bare

Won’t you come take me?
Shine once just for me?
I know it’s selfish
But my heart won’t let things be

You - the star in the sky
(届かない届かない)
You - the blinding flash of light
(見えない見えない)

If only you’d see me as more
Than just a face in the crowd
We could sing together and outshine
The whole world

You - the star in the sky
(届かない届かない)
You - the blinding flash of light
(見えない見えない)

Me – the flower in the bud
(咲きたい咲きたい)
Me – the flicker of a flame
(赤々と燃えたい)

Let it be carried away
This anonymous face of mine
This voice you’ll never hear

The curtain falls
The dream fades
The star is out of sight

I'm left behind to stumble through
The light is dimmer here

But your light is there
Inside me always

I stumble bravely onwards
(赤々と燃えてくる)

★26 お久しぶりです

It's been a long time since I've written in here. I went through a phase where I felt everything I had to say was just bullshit. That I was just projecting a self that I couldn't trust. But now I feel I want to write again. And it's been so long that I want to give a re-intruduction. Sometimes to understand the present and place it in the relevant context we have to look into the past. So here's my story.  

I'm 27. I was born in the Dominican Republic but grew up mostly in the States. Now I live in Tokyo, Japan. 

When I was young, about 3 or 4, my parents got divorced. That was probably the first time I felt rejected and abandoned. Then I moved to Michigan with my Mom so she could go to Graduate school. That was a big change from the support and community we'd had in the Dominican Republic with our family. I didn't even speak the language! 

In school my mom met my step-dad and we moved around a lot after that. My step-dad is a hard-working, honest guy but he's not easy to connect with emotionally and I felt put down a lot growing up. When I was 15 we moved from Colorado to California and I went from a school of 800 kids to one with 3,000. I was suddenly invisible and that was hard for me to swallow at such a sensitive age. That's around the time I first got depressed and my self-esteem and self-worth issues became deeply rooted. Suddenly, there was all this competition and I was painfully aware that I wasn't as talented as I thought I was, or as beautiful. With a lot more kids around I didn't get the part in the school play or the attention of the cute boy. Whatever I'd thought I had going for me I didn't. 

By the time college came about I was too full of fear to pursue my lifelong passion of acting and singing, so instead of auditioning for musical theater programs I went to the best school I got into undeclared. Eventually, I decided to do Theater anyway, but I stuck mostly to behind the scenes stuff and minored in Education which was safe. 

Most college kids are out partying and dating, but relationships was another area in which I didn't really relate with my peers. By that point I still had a lot of issues surrounding my Dad leaving and my Step-dad being so critical, and it was impossible to believe a guy could want and love ME. I certainly didn't trust them. 

When I graduated I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't particularly keen on becoming a teacher and there was no way I could go try to be an actress. And it wasn't like I had a relationship to fall back on so devoting myself to a marriage and kids was out of the question. Luckily, I was invited to go to Asia with a friend and felt a connection to Japan. I heard it was easy to teach here so I figured why not? Maybe going somewhere by myself was what I needed to learn to trust and believe in myself. Besides, I could see if teaching was something I'd really like to pursue as a career. 

That was when my spiritual journey really began. I was introduced to Buddhism and contemporary spirituality and for the first few years it was a whirlwind of learning and growth. In many ways I've had a lot of small victories: my spiritual awareness has been opened; I've realized I can make it on my own; I'm slowly becoming more confident and comfortable in my own skin; I've yet to have a serious relationship but I've dated here and there.... 

Now I feel like I've come to a turning point. I've read many books on self-empowerment, consciousness, spirituality, human evolution, meditation, etc...I've learned so much. I have worked through some of my self-esteem and depression issues. But despite becoming more aware there is a lot inside of me that still isn't working. For the most part, the questions I wrestle with haven't been answered. The mental patterns that I fight against are still mostly in place. 

In my head I finally know that I'm beautiful in my own way; that I'm worthy and special, that there's a place for me and I belong. But a lot of times I'm not sure my heart believes it. Because I still struggle with feeling disconnected. There are so many moments in which I still feel I'm just not good enough. So there's this huge gap between what I think and want and what I actually believe and experience. 

I feel I'm more than what I'm being but I'm not sure how to be something different. It's like I'm deconstructing and yet not quite ready to fully breakdown because I don't have a model of what to reconstruct into. 

Yet there's this me I sense who fully embodies herself, who is empowered and creative and liberated. But who is she?! How do I bring her about?! 

What I want more than anything is to figure out my purpose in life. Why am I here? What can I do for the world? For humanity's evolution? I don't believe any of us are here by accident, but I look at myself and I don't know what I, personally, have to offer. I'm so scared that I'm nothing. But I refuse to accept that's true. I know there must be something. That I must be something. Thus I feel if I just continue on this spiritual journey of healing and transformation that I will tap into that true self, into my authentic heart, and then I can begin to be powerful and creative and actually contribute to the world. 

So that's where I'm at.

★25 恋愛って何?

What is love?
What does it mean to love?

I'm 26 years old and I've realized that I'm not even sure what love is. It should be the easiest thing in the world... to love. And yet it's not.

Where does love start? What defines it? How is it different?

Attraction.

Is that where it starts? Not physical attraction, but that desire to know more about someone, to know everything about them; to want to be part of their inner world. Usually physical attraction stems from there. At least for me. Well, it's a combination, but I can find someone good looking and not find them attractive, per say.

Connection.

There has to be a connection, doesn't there? That feeling that there is something unseen between you... That feeling that the other person understands you and identifies with you on a level that feels deeper than other people. There's usually something inexplicable that draws you to someone.

Compatibility.

It's important to share certain values, I think. There can be respect, there has to be respect, but if one person thinks cheating is ok (for example) and one person doesn't then that obviously will never work. Personally, I need someone who compliments me. Similar in enough ways, in the ways that matter, but different to the point that we can challenge each other. If I hold back I want the other person to push me forward when necessary and vice versa. If the other person is strong where I am weak we can work together.

Honesty.

More and more I think that love is about being open. The people you love are different because they're the people that you can share yourself with. Somehow they make you open up and trust, or at least they make you want to.

And that's why I think love is so difficult. Because it's not easy to let people in sometimes. It's not easy to expose yourself, to put it all out there. Love is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And that's why love is also about support and acceptance. Because it's hard to let yourself be vulnerable if there isn't support and acceptance in the relationship. But to have those things you need trust. And for trust you need faith and risk.

Consideration

If the other person doesn't consider your feelings, if they don't think about you and what you need or what your relationship needs then there can be no trust. Without trust you can't be fully open with each other and without that there can be no fulfillment.

Someone who considers you. Who doesn't rush you or pressure you but supports you and nurtures you... that's love.

Challenge

This ties in with honesty, but love is not being afraid to say what needs to be said. It's not about pleasing the other person all of the time, not if it's not good for the person. Love is about telling someone the painful truth if it will help them. It's not about worrying if the person will stop liking you, but thinking about how you can help them instead. In that way love is about challenge because it challenges your perceptions and your ideas about yourself, about life, about others.

Love makes you want to be a better person. It inspires you to reach new heights. It's the feeling that you are fine the way you are, that you are loved and accepted, but that there are always things you can work on and more ways to grow.

Love helps you grow. Even if it changes and even if it ends, if it helped you grow then it was real, I think.

Love is maybe impossible to describe, to tie down. I'm 26 and I've realized I'm only beginning to understand maybe.

I don't know anything about love. But I do know one thing, and that's that I have a lot of love left to receive and give and experience.

I look forward to it.

★24 手紙

Dear Subaru,


I listened to your song just now and I wondered how it felt to write it. When I want to write the words don't seem to come out. Well, they come out sometimes – something always does; but I still feel alone.


You see, I have nowhere to go right now. I have nowhere to go and I'm afraid.


I've been trying really hard to be someone that can succeed, someone that finishes what she starts, someone that can be happy.....But I've failed. I couldn't do it. And now I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I don't know how to get better. I don't know how to make myself better. I don't know how to deal with my pain so that it won't interfere with my life. Every time I've tried I end up back here, in this dark pit (which seems to only get deeper and deeper every time). I've always been able to take that step forward. But this time – this time I think I'm stuck. Because this time I know where I'll end up after it all crashes down again and I can't keep coming back here. I can't keep going in circles. I've tired myself out. I've driven myself to the ground. Everything hurts now. My eternal well of hope, the one that has always sustained me until now is running dangerously low. And I'm afraid. Is this what it means to die inside? I don't want to die inside. I don't want to run dry. I don't want to be a void of nothing.


You always sing about flowers and blooming and I believed in your words. I still do. I think your words are beautiful. I think – if he did it then I can too. I definitely will. But I haven't. It's been three years since I came to Japan and I haven't. I've learned so much and yet nothing at all. Everything has changed and yet nothing has. I'm not the same person I was when I came and yet I'm completely the same. And I've realized, I'm broken. Japan has been like a cast, a wonderful treatment, but the cast is starting to fall off and I'm still broken. Because casts don't work. So if I put on a new one, what's the point? And if casts don't work.... what does? What can?


You always sing about flowers and blooming and I believed in your words.

I wanted to be one of those flowers.


Somewhere deep down there's a seed somewhere. But the landscape is wet and muddy and when I manage to find that seed of (light and life and meaning) it slips from my grasp before I can nurture it properly.


Today someone asked me what color my soul was. I said sky blue because I picture my soul to be like the sky. It's endless and clear and many things can pass through it. Right now my sky is gray, maybe black. But, even if it's black, under it the blue still exists, right? So really, it's still blue. There's something under all of this, right?


He also asked me what I thought I was in a past life. I said a sunflower. They're my favorite flowers. They're bright and big and chase the dark away. I thought, surely at some point I've been able to give that light. And if someone saw me in a field, or in a vase on a table somewhere, and if they smiled... then I meant something. For the season I bloomed I meant something.


You always sing about flowers and blooming and starting over and letting things go.


I thought that's what I was doing. I thought I was blooming. I thought I could be beautiful and bring something bright into this world. I wanted it more than anything.


But I'm not bright. And I'm not blooming.


I'm withering.

Withering.

Slowly withering.

Sadly withering.


Did my time come and go?


Will I see the blue of my soul?


Is my seed lost forever?


Will these broken parts ever heal?


If I can't bloom, if I can't do do anything at all, is it ok to just wither away?


Should I just wither away with the seasons....


Disappear....


Some people are flowers.


And then maybe others are just weeds.


I thought I was a flower.

Now I'm not so sure.


I'm sorry I couldn't bloom like you.

I'm sorry I can't be strong anymore.

I'm sorry because I know I could've been better than this.


I'm sorry.


I'm sorry I couldn't do it alone.


You always sing about flowers and blooming and I believed in your words.

I still do.


But I don't know how to bloom.

I've tried but I wither and I don't know how.


Will you tell me how you did it?


Do you think I can?


I wanted to be a flower too.


I'm sorry.


Yours,

A Fallen Petal

A Dark Sky

A Lost Seed

A Broken Shell.

★23 A la Dr. House

I just finished watching the latest episode of House.

The ending shocked me and yet it didn't. It made me happy but it also made me cry harder.
Like House, I thought, could it possibly be real?

Do good things really come to those who try and wait? Or did it only happen to House because it's a television show?

I'd like to think so. That good things happen to good people. Bad things too of course, but that if you sincerely make an effort to deal with yourself and improve your life that things will work out and in the end you'll be rewarded somehow. Maybe things won't be perfect, and maybe all of your dreams won't come true, but I'd like to think there will be enough good things to keep you going. If not all you could wish for, at least a taste to keep your motivation going strong.

But sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes it's just one thing after another and you think you're getting a break when BAM. Slap in the face. Another hurdle. Not yet, baby, you're not quite done.

Then what is there but

Hope.

What does it mean to hope?

I always have hope. I can't let it go. I won't let it go.

Like Caroline says in 'Caroline or Change.'

"Don't let my sorrow make evil of me."

But sometimes.

Sometimes, damn.

What's the point?
I'm sick of trying.
I'm getting nowhere.
This is bullshit.
Fuck it.
What's the use?


It's an assault from the brain. Comes at you full force and from all sides. Like some kind of fucking cancer of the spirit. Except there's no chemo for this shit. It's all about strength of mind. Of stretching your limits. Of just marching forward.

And it's hard, man. This shit can be hard.

I'm no superman. I'm flawed live everyone else. I lack patience. I need to feel like I'm doing something right. I need to see that my efforts are paying off.

I'd like some confirmation. Some sign. Some relief.

But who doesn't right?

I don't expect anything or anyone to come save me at the last minute like Cuddy did for House in this last episode. It's a silly notion (though appealing, not gonna lie) and frankly, no one can save you or give you answers except yourself. That's crystal clear to me.

But when someone is sitting on that bathroom floor with two pills in their hand about to throw their life away a la House, and all that stands between them and their fate is one decision that, though simple, they're not sure they're strong enough to make. When that's the case but there's no Cuddy... Then what does one do?

That's the scary part isn't it.

★22 The Push

Lights up on SUMMER sorting through a pile of her belongings. She picks up a name tag and stares at it, lost in thought. DEAN enters, pauses to look at SUMMER, then sneaks up behind her.

DEAN. (Right next to her ear.) Almost done?

SUMMER. (Startled.) Dean!

DEAN. Summer!

SUMMER. (She takes a moment to calm down.) My heart’s going a mile a minute now. Thanks.

DEAN. I do tend to have that effect on you.

SUMMER. (She smiles.) Maybe, but you need to work on your methods. Scaring me half to death is not the best way to get my heart racing.

DEAN. (He laughs.) Noted. (Pause.) Don’t forget to turn the name tag in on your way out.

SUMMER. I won’t. Even though I sort of wish I could keep it.

DEAN. Why? It’s a piece of plastic.

SUMMER. I don’t know. Memories, I guess.

DEAN. You don’t need it for that. (Takes name tag from her and holds it in his hand with his own.) I need to give mine to the manager too. I’ll wait for you.

SUMMER. (She nods.) Did everyone else leave?

DEAN. Yeah, just now. We’re the last ones. They’re waiting for us at the bar. You’re coming, right?

SUMMER. Oh, I thought… Why are you still here? You could have left with all the others.

DEAN. (Jokingly.) I have to turn in my name tag. (Beat.) Are you almost done?

SUMMER. Yeah. (Pause.) It seems weird that we won’t be working here anymore, doesn’t it? It was only a temporary job for the holidays but I got so used to everyone. Funny how things just come and go so suddenly. Begin. End. Like life. It seems like forever when you’re in it, but then it’s over and you’re left disoriented and scared, like gasping for air after a dive.

DEAN. Don’t get all pessimistic on me. Things change, sure, but the end of one thing doesn’t have to equal the end of everything. Come out with us tonight.

SUMMER. I probably shouldn’t.

DEAN. And why not?

SUMMER. I just can’t.

DEAN. That’s not a reason, unfortunately.

SUMMER. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

DEAN. Still not a reason. Try again.

SUMMER. I really can’t, okay? Drop it.

DEAN. No, I’m not going to. Tell me why.

SUMMER. I’m sorry, Dean. I just can’t go out.

DEAN. There was a ‘with you’ at the end there, wasn't there?

SUMMER. Ok, fine. I can’t go out with you. With any of you. Not under the circumstances.

DEAN. What circumstances?

SUMMER. These. It’s our last day of work. It’s over. That point where our lives intersect is going to be behind us after today. We’ll never see each other after this.

DEAN. Not with your attitude.

SUMMER. Dean…

DEAN. You’re scared.

SUMMER. I’m only being reasonable.

DEAN. I find that the most reasonable people do the stupidest things. Come on, Summer. Don’t you want to see where this could go?

SUMMER. No. It’s better not to want.

DEAN. Bullshit! You’re full of excuses. You’re terrified. That’s why you’re saying no. Today’s it, the fork in the road, and you’re avoiding the path.

SUMMER. We should get going. I’m surprised someone hasn’t come looking for us. Did you clock out already?

DEAN. Oh no. We’re not done here yet. It’s finally getting good.

SUMMER. Dean, honestly. I’m not going to play around. Let’s just go. You have a bar you need to go to.

DEAN. So do you.

SUMMER. Look, I told you-

DEAN. I don’t care. You’re coming.

SUMMER. Oh so now you’re forcing me?

DEAN. If I have to.

SUMMER. Because that’s the way to a girl’s heart.

DEAN. We’re not leaving the staff room until you’ve agreed to come with me.

SUMMER. You can’t be serious.

DEAN. Cross my heart, hope to die.

SUMMER. Stick a needle in my eye. (Tries to push past him.) I’m not doing this. Let go.

DEAN. Someone has to make you do it.

SUMMER. Dean, I’m warning you…

DEAN. So what? What are you going to do about it?

SUMMER. (She kisses him quickly on the lips.) There. Satisfied? That’s ultimately what you wanted so now let me go.

DEAN. You think I’m looking to get laid?! Wow, you just keep ‘em coming.

SUMMER. Aren’t you? This is a fling, so what else can you want? You’ll go back to life at Columbia and I’ll go back to my life and that’s that.

DEAN. You go to NYU! It’s not like we’re a thousand miles apart. We can make this work.

SUMMER. That’s not the issue. Why can’t you see what’s going on here? This is circumstantial. You like me because there’s no one else around. You’ll go back to school, realize that there’s so much more out there, and then leave me behind. It's how these things go.

DEAN. So you’re leaving me behind first. I get it.

SUMMER. Think of it however you like. I need to go. (She tries to get past him.)

DEAN. Not so fast. I’m not the one who runs away. That’s you. Didn’t you say you wanted to leave after graduation? Where did you want to move again? California? Because God forbid you stay in one place long enough to develop any kind of lasting attachments. You’re always telling me how you keep moving on to the next thing; always searching for something: the right person, the right place… Well maybe you don’t give yourself enough time to find what you’re looking for. Stop looking ahead and look at what’s in front of you for once.

SUMMER. And what if I stop and find it and it’s still not enough? Or worse, if I stop and nothing happens. I don’t want to find that maybe what I’m looking for isn’t out there; that there’s no place for me and no right person... Because, then what?

DEAN. Then things would be pretty much the same as they are now. Don't you see that? You're the one getting in your own way!

SUMMER. (Beat.) I don’t think I’d be very good at this. You’ll find someone better.

DEAN. I don't want to find someone better. Stop thinking you’re not good enough to stick around for.

SUMMER. You say that now but later...

DEAN. (He holds her face in his hands.) Why worry now about later?

SUMMER. You’ll hurt me.

DEAN. Maybe. I won’t lie and make promises I can’t keep. But I want this. (Pause.) And so do you.

SUMMER. I’ll try to run again.

DEAN. I know.

SUMMER. And don’t think you need to save me or something.

DEAN. I don’t.

SUMMER. I don’t even like bars.

DEAN. (He smiles.) I’ll buy you a drink.

DEAN. Give me your hand.

DEAN reaches out. SUMMER looks at the hand and after some deliberation finally takes it.

DEAN. Shall we?

SUMMER. Okay.

Blackout.