It feels like every time I do my mind becomes a mess. What used to be up is suddenly down, left is right, good is bad - until I can't be sure of anything anymore.
I don't trust my mind. I don't trust the mind's need to rationalize, to categorize, to judge. I'm tired of questions with contradicting answers. Everything is right and yet Everything is wrong. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense. So no more questions and no more answers. I'm tired of answers. There might not even be answers. Not in the way we're used to; no absolute answers.
So I don't want to think.
I just want to Feel. Live. Experience. Be my heart.
I want a divorce from my mind, or at least a separation.
Look mind, I'm not saying we're over but I need some space....
I want a tattoo.
Crazy, isn't it? Me, someone who never liked them and vowed never to get one.
For the first time in my life I want a tattoo.
And I find myself considering and condoning things I never have before.
I can be so many things. We are all so many things. We are complex. We are everything. Right now I'm floating. I'm floating in possibility.
With hopes of someday settling, of doing that thing people call, 'coming into her own.'
But see even now I can't trust these words. When I write there ends up being some kind of conclusion expressed, a rationalization of some kind, and that's what I want to get away from.
Get away. Come home. Forget. Remember. Stop thinking.
The rose tinted glasses weren't enough for me.
I believe in you. I want to believe in me. I'm a bundle of contradictions. Aspiring to be set free. I want to receive. I want to give. To let life flow through me; to simply breathe.
A paradox. A window. A broken dream.
Black and white and everything in between. Overflowing yet longing. Fresh but unclean. These words, they don't quite capture what I mean or what I see. I'm me, I'm me, I'm me! Whatever that turns out to be.