Thursday, June 21, 2012

★27 渋谷へのラブソング

I see you from far away
A speck in the distance
Yet somehow more real than the voice in my ear

I’m fighting for a piece of you
Longing to be seen
Pushing through the shadows
Even as I know it’s just a dream

You - the star in the sky
You - the blinding flash of light

Your melodies sweep me up and away
Unwrapped, unraveled
In your voice I lay bare

Won’t you come take me?
Shine once just for me?
I know it’s selfish
But my heart won’t let things be

You - the star in the sky
You - the blinding flash of light

If only you’d see me as more
Than just a face in the crowd
We could sing together and outshine
The whole world

You - the star in the sky
You - the blinding flash of light

Me – the flower in the bud
Me – the flicker of a flame

Let it be carried away
This anonymous face of mine
This voice you’ll never hear

The curtain falls
The dream fades
The star is out of sight

I'm left behind to stumble through
The light is dimmer here

But your light is there
Inside me always

I stumble bravely onwards

★26 お久しぶりです

It's been a long time since I've written in here. I went through a phase where I felt everything I had to say was just bullshit. That I was just projecting a self that I couldn't trust. But now I feel I want to write again. And it's been so long that I want to give a re-intruduction. Sometimes to understand the present and place it in the relevant context we have to look into the past. So here's my story.  

I'm 27. I was born in the Dominican Republic but grew up mostly in the States. Now I live in Tokyo, Japan. 

When I was young, about 3 or 4, my parents got divorced. That was probably the first time I felt rejected and abandoned. Then I moved to Michigan with my Mom so she could go to Graduate school. That was a big change from the support and community we'd had in the Dominican Republic with our family. I didn't even speak the language! 

In school my mom met my step-dad and we moved around a lot after that. My step-dad is a hard-working, honest guy but he's not easy to connect with emotionally and I felt put down a lot growing up. When I was 15 we moved from Colorado to California and I went from a school of 800 kids to one with 3,000. I was suddenly invisible and that was hard for me to swallow at such a sensitive age. That's around the time I first got depressed and my self-esteem and self-worth issues became deeply rooted. Suddenly, there was all this competition and I was painfully aware that I wasn't as talented as I thought I was, or as beautiful. With a lot more kids around I didn't get the part in the school play or the attention of the cute boy. Whatever I'd thought I had going for me I didn't. 

By the time college came about I was too full of fear to pursue my lifelong passion of acting and singing, so instead of auditioning for musical theater programs I went to the best school I got into undeclared. Eventually, I decided to do Theater anyway, but I stuck mostly to behind the scenes stuff and minored in Education which was safe. 

Most college kids are out partying and dating, but relationships was another area in which I didn't really relate with my peers. By that point I still had a lot of issues surrounding my Dad leaving and my Step-dad being so critical, and it was impossible to believe a guy could want and love ME. I certainly didn't trust them. 

When I graduated I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't particularly keen on becoming a teacher and there was no way I could go try to be an actress. And it wasn't like I had a relationship to fall back on so devoting myself to a marriage and kids was out of the question. Luckily, I was invited to go to Asia with a friend and felt a connection to Japan. I heard it was easy to teach here so I figured why not? Maybe going somewhere by myself was what I needed to learn to trust and believe in myself. Besides, I could see if teaching was something I'd really like to pursue as a career. 

That was when my spiritual journey really began. I was introduced to Buddhism and contemporary spirituality and for the first few years it was a whirlwind of learning and growth. In many ways I've had a lot of small victories: my spiritual awareness has been opened; I've realized I can make it on my own; I'm slowly becoming more confident and comfortable in my own skin; I've yet to have a serious relationship but I've dated here and there.... 

Now I feel like I've come to a turning point. I've read many books on self-empowerment, consciousness, spirituality, human evolution, meditation, etc...I've learned so much. I have worked through some of my self-esteem and depression issues. But despite becoming more aware there is a lot inside of me that still isn't working. For the most part, the questions I wrestle with haven't been answered. The mental patterns that I fight against are still mostly in place. 

In my head I finally know that I'm beautiful in my own way; that I'm worthy and special, that there's a place for me and I belong. But a lot of times I'm not sure my heart believes it. Because I still struggle with feeling disconnected. There are so many moments in which I still feel I'm just not good enough. So there's this huge gap between what I think and want and what I actually believe and experience. 

I feel I'm more than what I'm being but I'm not sure how to be something different. It's like I'm deconstructing and yet not quite ready to fully breakdown because I don't have a model of what to reconstruct into. 

Yet there's this me I sense who fully embodies herself, who is empowered and creative and liberated. But who is she?! How do I bring her about?! 

What I want more than anything is to figure out my purpose in life. Why am I here? What can I do for the world? For humanity's evolution? I don't believe any of us are here by accident, but I look at myself and I don't know what I, personally, have to offer. I'm so scared that I'm nothing. But I refuse to accept that's true. I know there must be something. That I must be something. Thus I feel if I just continue on this spiritual journey of healing and transformation that I will tap into that true self, into my authentic heart, and then I can begin to be powerful and creative and actually contribute to the world. 

So that's where I'm at.