★23 A la Dr. House

I just finished watching the latest episode of House.

The ending shocked me and yet it didn't. It made me happy but it also made me cry harder.
Like House, I thought, could it possibly be real?

Do good things really come to those who try and wait? Or did it only happen to House because it's a television show?

I'd like to think so. That good things happen to good people. Bad things too of course, but that if you sincerely make an effort to deal with yourself and improve your life that things will work out and in the end you'll be rewarded somehow. Maybe things won't be perfect, and maybe all of your dreams won't come true, but I'd like to think there will be enough good things to keep you going. If not all you could wish for, at least a taste to keep your motivation going strong.

But sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes it's just one thing after another and you think you're getting a break when BAM. Slap in the face. Another hurdle. Not yet, baby, you're not quite done.

Then what is there but

Hope.

What does it mean to hope?

I always have hope. I can't let it go. I won't let it go.

Like Caroline says in 'Caroline or Change.'

"Don't let my sorrow make evil of me."

But sometimes.

Sometimes, damn.

What's the point?
I'm sick of trying.
I'm getting nowhere.
This is bullshit.
Fuck it.
What's the use?


It's an assault from the brain. Comes at you full force and from all sides. Like some kind of fucking cancer of the spirit. Except there's no chemo for this shit. It's all about strength of mind. Of stretching your limits. Of just marching forward.

And it's hard, man. This shit can be hard.

I'm no superman. I'm flawed live everyone else. I lack patience. I need to feel like I'm doing something right. I need to see that my efforts are paying off.

I'd like some confirmation. Some sign. Some relief.

But who doesn't right?

I don't expect anything or anyone to come save me at the last minute like Cuddy did for House in this last episode. It's a silly notion (though appealing, not gonna lie) and frankly, no one can save you or give you answers except yourself. That's crystal clear to me.

But when someone is sitting on that bathroom floor with two pills in their hand about to throw their life away a la House, and all that stands between them and their fate is one decision that, though simple, they're not sure they're strong enough to make. When that's the case but there's no Cuddy... Then what does one do?

That's the scary part isn't it.