Thursday, June 21, 2012

★26 お久しぶりです

It's been a long time since I've written in here. I went through a phase where I felt everything I had to say was just bullshit. That I was just projecting a self that I couldn't trust. But now I feel I want to write again. And it's been so long that I want to give a re-intruduction. Sometimes to understand the present and place it in the relevant context we have to look into the past. So here's my story.  

I'm 27. I was born in the Dominican Republic but grew up mostly in the States. Now I live in Tokyo, Japan. 

When I was young, about 3 or 4, my parents got divorced. That was probably the first time I felt rejected and abandoned. Then I moved to Michigan with my Mom so she could go to Graduate school. That was a big change from the support and community we'd had in the Dominican Republic with our family. I didn't even speak the language! 

In school my mom met my step-dad and we moved around a lot after that. My step-dad is a hard-working, honest guy but he's not easy to connect with emotionally and I felt put down a lot growing up. When I was 15 we moved from Colorado to California and I went from a school of 800 kids to one with 3,000. I was suddenly invisible and that was hard for me to swallow at such a sensitive age. That's around the time I first got depressed and my self-esteem and self-worth issues became deeply rooted. Suddenly, there was all this competition and I was painfully aware that I wasn't as talented as I thought I was, or as beautiful. With a lot more kids around I didn't get the part in the school play or the attention of the cute boy. Whatever I'd thought I had going for me I didn't. 

By the time college came about I was too full of fear to pursue my lifelong passion of acting and singing, so instead of auditioning for musical theater programs I went to the best school I got into undeclared. Eventually, I decided to do Theater anyway, but I stuck mostly to behind the scenes stuff and minored in Education which was safe. 

Most college kids are out partying and dating, but relationships was another area in which I didn't really relate with my peers. By that point I still had a lot of issues surrounding my Dad leaving and my Step-dad being so critical, and it was impossible to believe a guy could want and love ME. I certainly didn't trust them. 

When I graduated I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't particularly keen on becoming a teacher and there was no way I could go try to be an actress. And it wasn't like I had a relationship to fall back on so devoting myself to a marriage and kids was out of the question. Luckily, I was invited to go to Asia with a friend and felt a connection to Japan. I heard it was easy to teach here so I figured why not? Maybe going somewhere by myself was what I needed to learn to trust and believe in myself. Besides, I could see if teaching was something I'd really like to pursue as a career. 

That was when my spiritual journey really began. I was introduced to Buddhism and contemporary spirituality and for the first few years it was a whirlwind of learning and growth. In many ways I've had a lot of small victories: my spiritual awareness has been opened; I've realized I can make it on my own; I'm slowly becoming more confident and comfortable in my own skin; I've yet to have a serious relationship but I've dated here and there.... 

Now I feel like I've come to a turning point. I've read many books on self-empowerment, consciousness, spirituality, human evolution, meditation, etc...I've learned so much. I have worked through some of my self-esteem and depression issues. But despite becoming more aware there is a lot inside of me that still isn't working. For the most part, the questions I wrestle with haven't been answered. The mental patterns that I fight against are still mostly in place. 

In my head I finally know that I'm beautiful in my own way; that I'm worthy and special, that there's a place for me and I belong. But a lot of times I'm not sure my heart believes it. Because I still struggle with feeling disconnected. There are so many moments in which I still feel I'm just not good enough. So there's this huge gap between what I think and want and what I actually believe and experience. 

I feel I'm more than what I'm being but I'm not sure how to be something different. It's like I'm deconstructing and yet not quite ready to fully breakdown because I don't have a model of what to reconstruct into. 

Yet there's this me I sense who fully embodies herself, who is empowered and creative and liberated. But who is she?! How do I bring her about?! 

What I want more than anything is to figure out my purpose in life. Why am I here? What can I do for the world? For humanity's evolution? I don't believe any of us are here by accident, but I look at myself and I don't know what I, personally, have to offer. I'm so scared that I'm nothing. But I refuse to accept that's true. I know there must be something. That I must be something. Thus I feel if I just continue on this spiritual journey of healing and transformation that I will tap into that true self, into my authentic heart, and then I can begin to be powerful and creative and actually contribute to the world. 

So that's where I'm at.

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